Let's commit a heresy together. C'mon, it will be fun. Are you ready? Here it goes...
New York City is overrated. In fact, New York City sucks. One would be hard-pressed to find a more soulless, globohomo place than the "Big Apple." The very sidewalks reek of careerist and barren women, effeminate, slump-shouldered men, and whining anti-American types who treat our once verdant shores as a monstrous piggy bank.
Nerts to all of them!
Now, to be fair, New York post-1990 has long been defamed by the Left as a Middle American playground. Rather than thank Rudy Giuliani for bringing peace and security, the "smart" set of Manhattan and Brooklyn's ubiquitous hipsters continue to have fever dreams about how New York was so much better in the late 1970s. Back then, junkie hookers ruled Times Square and the downtown arts scene hosted talents as diverse as Andy Warhol and The Ramones.
Keep dreaming, nerds. All of you wimps and wussies would have been mugged and beaten mercilessly by the former denizens of Hell's Kitchen, Williamsburg, and the Cross Bronx. None of you would have turned Paul Kersey or even Bernie Goetz. Rather, you and your stinky friends would have been the laughable protagonists of Lou Reed's "I Want to Be Black"--a disgusting bevy of deracinated whites in search of elusive "authenticity."
The punchable mug of new New York placed its ugly head above the barricades in order to decry Chick-Fil-A. Author Dan Piepenbring, whose soy-addled puss looks like it was born HIV-positive, penned an article in the New Yorker to complain about the opening of a new Chick-Fil-A restaraunt in New York. Piepenbring and his editors find the fast-food restaurant "creepy" and worry that bargain-priced chicken sandwiches will ruin the flavor of their precious city.
More to the point, Piepenbring dislikes the Protestant Christianity of Chick-Fil-A, a company that closes its stores on Sunday and tries to instill into its corporate behemoth just a little bit of Jesus's teaching. For the urbanite, such things are akin to seeing Cthulhu rise up out of their morning oatmeal.
Piepenbring writes with horror about how Chick-Fil-A's headquarters in Atlanta is adorned with quotes from the Bible and at least one statue of Jesus. To him, such displays amount to an odious "Christian traditionalism." Piepenbring even accuses Chick-Fil-A and its cult-like employees of the worst crime imaginable: "deadening uniformity."
Ah, there's the rub of it. Piepenbring and other New York fey creatures do not like "conformity," the same complaint that millions of boring high schoolers have had since the 1990s. To be sure, Piepenbring and other fleshsacks like him are quite conformist. These urbanites deeply care about food (ahem...cuisine) and find the very notion of fast-food repulsive. Well, fast-food is noxious, but what is worse are urbanites who insist on the morality of bringing in Third World hordes simply because they want to fill their bellies with exotic treats.
Piepenbring is the smarmy pen of an entire army of oppressive bugmen. These urbanites somehow feel inclined to dictate what is "culture" when, in truth, they are the epitome of middle brow. I do not know Piepenbring, but I can tell you that he likes foreign language films, local coffee shops, and talking about New York's wonderful diversity. He also probably drums in some subpar indie rock band.
Psst, Dan. New York is not diverse. It is the definition of millions of skin tones melding to form one neoliberal monolith. New York and indeed all of the urban West is suffocatingly conformist, with interchangeable names all parroting the same postmodern drivel. Even the tough guy routine of old New York was mostly borrowed from Hollywood. The city is a fake fester only fit for suicides.
Even worse, Piepenbring's toilet tissue of an article shows without fear the deep anti-Christian bias of our cultural elite. It goes without saying that this article would not have been written about a new Muslim kebab shop or a Jewish deli (although, I've spent enough time in Brooklyn to know that "liberated" girls privately despise Orthodox Jews). No, only Christianity, with its whiff of white American values, gets the smear treatment. For dorks of the Piepenbring tribe, Christianity is synonymous with plain bread houses out in the Midwest, with cable television shows, and people that have never heard of Kumail Nanjiani. These are the Trump voters and the people with insufficient xenophilia.
While it is a shame that Middle American radicals have to cling to a corporation like Chick-Fil-A, which is currently feeding their youngsters grease, fat, and soylent underneath a crumbly bun, it is nevertheless satisfying to see how much damage one store can do to the psyche of the urbanite. Rather than drop Tomahawk missiles on Syria, President Trump should seriously contemplate bombing Brooklyn, Greenwich Village, and all college campuses just for the laughs.
It would be a beautiful day indeed when, in a post-apocalyptic New York, a starving Dan Piepenbring can be seen crawling on his belly through the rubble. With his stomach gurgling, the waif-like writer must find some sustenance before expiring. To his horror, the only thing left is the bright red-and-white lights of a Chick-Fil-A.