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A Real Mensch

While there are, at present, a considerable crop of talentless hacks hard at work disseminating Neoliberal talking points to the masses, few ever truly seem to stand out. All too often they seem to meld together into one undifferentiated blob of shrill, lecturing hysterics. There are, however, the occasional exceptions that prove the rule. One such exception to this seemingly iron-bound rule of Neoliberal mediocrity is the unhinged force of nature who goes by the name of "Louise Mensch."

Seeing Mensch in action, whether by reading her bizarre prose or watching her muppet like physical actions on television can be an experience so strange that it borders on the surreal. The experience can be likened to watching a tiny car overstuffed with circus clowns get t-boned by a semi-truck: it is at turns both horrific and funny, and one simply can't muster the willpower to look away from it.

But who (or what) is this strange being, this manic muppet, this mistake of nature which calls itself Louise Mensch? This is the question one must answer in order to try to make any sense of the lurid spectacle which manifests itself before our credulous gazes.

Mensch's curious story begins in London, England where she attended an exclusive all-girls boarding school. After attending Oxford University and having a brief stint with MTV Europe she then moved on and focused her inconsiderable talents on writing "chick-lit" novels. During this time she managed to be quite prolific, producing 17 novels with names like "The Devil You Know," "Career Girls", "Scandalous Lies" and "Sparkle." The plots of these works usually focus around the journey of a young, successful feminist woman trying to "make it" and find love in the process.

They thus served as fertile ground for Mensch's strange and perverse imagination to run wild. One need only read a few of these book's Amazon descriptions to get a feel for the kind of vapid schoolgirl fantasies we are dealing with here:

From "Passion":

A failed marriage between Melissa Elmett and Will Hyde did a lot of damage. She was too young, he was hurt when she left him. Years later, Melissa becomes the target for a kidnap plot, a consequence of her father's ground-breaking energy-saving invention, and Will is the only man who can protect her. Now they're on the run, thrown together again by the pursuit of vengeance, will their passion for each other reignite?

From "Sparkles":

Fabulously wealthy, internationally adored, the aristocratic Massot family owns one of the last great jewelry firms in Paris. But seven years have passed since the disappearance of the patriarch, Pierre Massot. With hope of his return all but extinguished, his beautiful young widow, Sophie, reluctantly declares her husband dead and takes control of the family business. But even as Sophie begins to look to the future, forces are conspiring to destroy the Massots—by unearthing the devastating secret from their past that Pierre may have died trying to protect.

Bagshawe’s sweeping story takes readers from the murky diamond mines of Soviet Russia to the cultural whirl of modern-day Paris, unraveling the mystery of Pierre Massot’s fate and the scandal and deceit that lies behind the Massot family fortune. Spanning continents and decades, Louise Bagshawe’s Sparkles is an addictive tale of ambition, betrayal, and romance.

The plots of Mensch's fiction, besides the perfunctory feminist heroines, are notable for featuring farcically elaborate storylines involving ridiculous conspiracies, exotic locales, and nefarious Russian bad guys. Themes she would later return to in her more "serious" political and journalistic careers.

Then destiny called. In 2010 Mensch somehow managed to win a seat in Parliament, though the fact that her opponent had been implicated in the 2009 Parliamentary Expenses scandal surely didn't hurt her cause.

Another part of Mensch's early success was certainly tied to her relatively telegenic traits. While not a particularly notable beauty (dozens of more attractive women can be found in any of America's thousands of Shopping Malls), Mensch does possess a certain kind of bland attractiveness, which in the world of British politics essentially makes her a giant in a land of gnomes.

Mensch, nascent star that she was, wasted no time in making a name for herself. She quickly compiled an impressive list of accomplishments such as falsely accusing Piers Morgan of phone hacking during a live hearing in the House Of Commons, and admitting she had taken class A drugs which had caused her "long term mental damage." Needless to say, she ended up resigning from Parliment to "spend more time with her family."

This is when the real fun began for Mensch, for it was only in her post-political life that her intrinsic "potential" was finally realized. After trying and failing to concoct her own messaging app to compete with Twitter (amusingly called "Menshn") she moved and founded her own online commentary site, the now infamous "heatstreet." Originally designed to produce slightly edgy content for conservative and libertarian teenagers, it quickly became a platform for Mensch's bizarre brand of chick-lit storytelling.

This tendency became supercharged with the rise of Donald Trump as a force in American politics. Mensch was drawn to Trump's retrograde machismo almost immediately and began tweeting and writing about him constantly after he rose to prominence in the Republican Primaries. In fact, her complete obsession with powerful male figures such as Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin begs the question as to whether her motives are purely political or perhaps may have a more Freudian genesis. As it seems unlikely that her mania for these two figures could be entirely unlinked from a repressed erotic desire for a masculine authority in her life.

Like the vast majority of the mainstream U.S. and International press, Mensch dedicated almost all of her waking hours over the course of 2016 to attempting to derail Donald Trump's presidential ambitions with a continuous volley of clumsy insults and poorly conceived conspiracy theories. But what separated her from the rest of the media pack was the remarkable absurdity of her claims, a few of the more notable being:

-That Trump advisor Steven Bannon was behind a series of Bomb Threats to Jewish Community Centers

-That Russian Intelligence had somehow planted Hillary Clinton's emails on Anthony Weiner's laptop in order to throw the U.S. election for Trump

-That the new years day mass shooting in an Istanbul nightclub was a false flag attack carried out by Russian Intelligence

-That both the recent Islamic Terror attacks in London and Saint Petersburg were not, in fact, terror attacks at all but were, again, false flag attacks no doubt ordered by Putin himself

Perhaps most amusing of all, Mensch also declared publicly that conservative icon Andrew Breitbart had been assassinated on the orders of Vladimir Putin in order to make way for Steve Bannon. This in spite of the fact that Breitbart died in 2012, and there is absolutely no evidence, circumstantial or otherwise, that would lend any credence to the fantastical claim. Nevertheless, Mensch stuck obstinately by her imagined conspiracy even going so far as trying (and failing) to defend it on a British News program:

If Mensch were merely a crackpot with a marginal platform none of this would be worthy of much attention. The problem for those Anti-Trump Liberals who would like to distance themselves from Mensch's incoherent ramblings is that all too often they have enabled and, in fact, promoted her special brand of conspiracy laden paranoia. Mensch has pushed all of these absurd claims while simultaneously appearing with regularity on cable news and late-night network television as well as somehow getting an editorial published in the East Coast Elite's paper of record, The New York Times. In said editorial, Mensch suggested that Trump's advisers be hauled before congress and be forced to testify regarding how much they knew about the existence of a supposed "a network of fake Twitter profiles" created by Russian intelligence to aid the Trump campaign.

The truth is that Mensch's insane accusations probably didn't cause much of a stir amongst the Times' editors for the simple reason that they must have sounded so familiar to them. Almost indistinguishable, in fact, from the drivel put out daily by the shrill and bitter intellectual slobs who infest their editorial page, "men" like Paul Krugman, Tom Friedman, and Roger Cohen who have never seen a Democratic Party failure they couldn't pin on the nefarious dealings of Putler Hussein. All of this, of course, while constantly wailing about the scourge of right-wing "fake news."

Thus, Mensch should be seen, not only as a talentless and worthless bimbo shouting deliriously about geopolitical matters she simply doesn't have the intellectual capacity to properly articulate but also as the perfect symbol and avatar for a failing Liberal media class. A class who has mistaken belligerence for courage and shrillness for strength. A class whose story will end, not in the manner of Mensch's chick-lit heroines, but rather in the same manner as the majority of drug-addled conspiracy theorists: alone in an alley on a dark night.

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